wat to do????

in utter insensitivity towards my own interests, i have charred my p.c screen!!....so i'm on the mercy of my college authorities to allow me to blog from over here!!!

i do not hope to get caught!!

past few days have been a real headache!!!

and its been a terrible time doing things under my lecturers' commands...but the fests are here,,,and i did not think before joining any of the societies over here...that i also would have to work hard!!! tsk! tsk!!

anyways...things have been straightening out a bit...and i'm happy to have been spared the tedious running around uselessly!!

from quite some days,,,my family and everyone around me, including me, are thinking dat i'm goin nuts!! and worse, into some sort of depression...and i'm taken aback how the much needed silence i'd enforced upon me, have sent wrong, terribly wrong signals to all!!!

however, life hasnt been fair to me either!!!

its been so unwise and deliberately haunting!!!!!!

i guess its just d tiredness maybe something else, but i havent even wrote something worth posting up over here,,,,

i hope to be back in my hues again....

take care

SHADOW DREAMZZZ!!!!

the days are so dull
and the nights spent in longing
losing it all over just on an issue
and once, i was scared of belonging!!
the envisioning of this frenzied mind
the cusps on the curb to lay down and die...
i hang on to the hopes held so deep
one day, we'll meet... but we'll also say "Goodbye"!!
coz i know these are shadow dreams
they take me to a bend
where there are we both, alone!
but, then, i know... I'm not even a friend!!
the pictures which come when i close my eyes
the provocative fantasies that are engraved...
i don't know if i'd want them or not
but towards them, i feel so enslaved..
it comes naturally to me, like the air to the lungs,

the desire, the need, the knowing that there's just you...

but time 'n' again, i'm thrown alone with them

drowsed in all the agonising shades of blue!!

coz i know that these are shadow dreams

yet they take me away to a bend...

where i'm just yours, and you are mine...

but, then, i know-- i'm not even a friend!!

THE FORGOTTEN

Screaming from deep inside,

No foundation to hold.
Life scrambles about,

With no salvation seekable.

Breathing deeply,

They stare,

They watch,
Yet still,

Life does no notice.

Why?

Why does life pass so quickly,
No great accomplishments are made,
Unspeakable memories crowd them,
Heartache and sorrow,
Unwant and pain.

They sit,

They stare,
The cold swallows them,
The frost bites at them,
Yet life takes no interest.
Life leaves them;

Deserts them,
Leaving them so many cares,

So many wonders,
But still no speck of a significant life.

just another stupidity!!

“what is love…if you can lose everything?” I often asked this to everybody who claimed to be in love. One person even said, “lose it all…its fuckin’ worth it!” and I just laughed it off!! I gave him a certain explanations…but more than to him, I was wxplaining things to myself. Things and reasons…which could prevent me from loving someone beyond my capabilities!!
All my life, since I started to know about people and emotions, and deciet, up till now, I was always scared of love. I always believed that love isn’t for me. Now I realize that up till now, I wasn’t really worthy of love!
After reading a certain piece if my writing, one of my mentors, way older than me, said, “Now you have again restored my beliefs in love!” On the same piece, my mom commented, “I’m falling in love all over again! You understand the risks involved and the prices that need to be paid.” But, frankly, now when I read what I wrote back then, it seems more like an account of a scared kid who was daring enough to fiddle with life, but so immature to take a risk regarding her own feelings!!
I found someone and fell head over heels for him. I thought it was what they call “love”… how wrong was I!?! I realized it last night that it was just a mad, blinding, crazy infatuation! Love is not blind! Though it compels you to follow your heart without a question, it makes you do extremely stupid things for somebody- things, which otherwise you wouldn’t have done for anybody!!
“Love”, as they say, makes you wake for nights, just thinking about your mate, thinking about the things you’d like to tell him/her whenever you meet/talk next… pretty much like planning, eh! “Love” makes you feel the “beauty of a jilted flower”, and the pleasure “of the December chills on your naked body”… but, then, “Love”, as they call it, also makes you so involved that a mere thought of losing the one, brings tears to your eyes.. it made me cry when we reached the verge! “Love”, as they call it, makes you unsure of what exactly you want out of it. Some even go to the extent of saying, “Love and Death are sister-concerns!”
BULLSHIT!!
Yesterday while reading a book by Paulo Coelho, I learnt that so far I’d been letting the “Other”, as he terms it, to intrude into my emotions. This “Other” doesn’t let us be what we actually should have been… instead it makes us become what we think is the right way to be!!
All this while, since I thought I was in love, I was scared of him, scared of “losing” myself completely to him. I told him that I cannot grant him my “seriousness”… and I knew that he deserved it all, and I knew it was useless to hold back… knowing all this, made me scared of him. Now it almost makes me laugh!! I thought I love him. On second thoughts, I still think that I do love him… but now, the picture is so different.
I was flustered by my feelings. I was frustrated over my uncontrolled emotions. I was angry upon myself for missing him every minute. I was agitated why anything analogical to my rush made me go back to every memory related to him!?!
Everything that catches you off-guard cannot be accepted for sometime. Same was the case with me… I couldn’t believe that a girl like me can be so swayed away by emotions… and just when my heart started to give up, and I prepared to run away from him, just when I decided that I’m giving it all up… my friend came to my rescue. She urged me to accept everything I’d been trying to deny to myself. She coaxed me to take a risk this time even and follow my instincts!! (She believes my instincts are true to me!)
I took the risk, I accepted that “Yes, I’m seriously involved this time…”
I could feel my rush taking a new course!! I no longer need him to hear me out whenever I’m feeling low. I no longer miss him. I no longer feel that its necessary for me to sort out my emotions. Because now I really feel that he’s as much a part of me…as my mind!! And now I realize that what someone told me, was quite true, “Lose it all… its fuckin’ worth it!!”
Yes, he’s worth it. And yes, now I’m worthy too!!
Maybe I’m sounding like lunatics, and maybe my words make no sense at all!!
“SON LOS LOCOS QUE INVENTARON EL AMOR”
The song is right- It must have been the lunatics who invented love!
And now, that I know that I love him, I’m no longer scared of him. I’m no longer scared of being a maniac! And now that I’ve accepted that I’m serious for him, I’m no longer scared of losing him even… and I know that’s inevitable! Because I’m happy that there was somebody in my life who could bring this out from me… who could actually make me realize that “limit” shall be no word in life! And I’m happy that I shared myself with him!!

Yes, I do sound like a maniac!!

i could have....(the final parting words for someone who was once the dearest!)

when the winter gave way to spring,
but the dew still settled on flowers,
i liked you back then, when you loved me
i could have given my heart to you in June showers!!


i remember your eyes when you proposed..
they were wet with emotions, they were true
i remember how i liked you when you sang songs to me..
i could have stayed in your arms, and drowned in you!!


how i sometimes miss those stupid little jokes we cracked
and that insane code-language which only we could understand..
i remember those nights we spent chatting away..
i could have chosen you to hold my hand!!


so vividly i do remember the kiss we stole,
when you sneaked on my rooftop on New Year's eve
i still remember the thrill of your seduction..
i could have surrendered to your touch so deep!!


now when i look back, i no longer feel the pain
instead, now i cherish what we used to be!
that was the first time i felt so close to someone..
someone who just knew how to steal myself away from me!!


i could have let you to touch my core..
i could have been yours, alone..
i could have never left you..
i could have Loved You......
but i just couldn't!!!

FORSAKEN

Look at her,
her face drips blood,
pouring tears of acid rain.

Heartache all among the ruins,
lost in a world of confusion,
minds all crazed and broken parted,
faces grey and rotting corpses.

Sitting lost among the living,
watching, waiting, needing something.

Fire from hell itself,
never ending to be out.
Fear gripped faces of the future,
longing to feel the warmth,

Look around the world of living,
wonder why there's nothing there.
People round the world are calling,
walking into danger's core.

Laughter gone and submersed,
screams anger from inside,
seize the darkness,
come down under.

Watch the moments grow stronger,
looking down i see your pain,
anger deep in core of man,
it wishes to be free to wander,
longing for something to hold.

Watch the clock as it ticks by,
death is coming in with every breath,
wait a minute, stop the yelling,
voices start to fade and wander,
calling out as they go by.

People wishing, people dreaming,
saying prayers no one hears.
looking up they see the light,
going down the pain grows stronger.
For one moment it seems right,
for one second they can't wait.
Screaming as they go down under,
pain is coming, they can feel.

Watching, waiting and wondering,
looking for something to grasp.
Asking when will it be over,
getting nothing in return.

SURRENDER

In the abyss of time
you've been played like a toy
the rhythm of the pendulum
will rip you a void
mind,structure,and spirit
you begin to lose control

love will forfeit you
to a place that's damp and cold
empty and alone
hiding in the dark
you've suffered this before
with a decaying heart
fastened in your thoughts
imprisoned behind bars
crimson gore will trickle
down those pale-dead arms

nightmares of the past
entities you've lost
happiness and joy
frozen, unable to defrost
eyelids linger shut
betrayal of light
because of the massacres
you surrender to the night